Today was annual fire equipment test day in my building. I’ve known it was coming for at least two weeks, ever since the generic letter was slid under my front door by the building manager stating “We’re coming in whether your home or not”, reason being….The fire gizmos need testing. Every year the same thing happens, I reconnect the smoke detector I unplugged five minutes after last years test, they come in, see a green light on the detector, prod the nearby heat detector with some device that says its working and they leave just before I disconnect the smoke detector again. The fire bells in the hallway go off sporadically for four hours then life returns to normal for another year. Today was different!... I did not reconnect the smoke detector! As soon as they entered the suite, they were attracted to the fact that no green light was glowing on the device, a state of failure…But why? “I disconnected the little *******!” I blurted, “You have a shower, it goes off, boil a freaking hot dog, it goes off, put too much hot water in the kitchen sink, it goes off so to save my sanity I shut the stupid thing down!” “That’s against the fire regulations sir”, the fire guy says, “ every suite in this building must have a working smoke detector!” The guy should have seen this coming. “Define a working smoke detector if you please”. "Well it will alert you to the presence of smoke in the suite and the smoke could mean a life threatening fire, it provides an early warning that could save your life!” Fair enough I’m thinking but feel the urge to retort “In its job classification does it need to inform me when my room mate is having a shower, or that my hot dog water is boiling or that a hard rain is falling because if not it’s seriously messed up with its notion of the prime directive!” The fireman didn’t have an answer but said he’d replace the unit. “You’ve replaced it three years in a row and all three years I’ve disconnected it because it’s insane!” At this point the building manager got involved “Michael…You must have a working smoke detector on your wall, it’s in the fire code!” The key was obviously the word “working”. “Bring me one that works Frank and I’ll gladly have it on my wall!” It went back and forth for a bit but at the end of the day I refused to allow them to hook up the same brand of detector and told them they could return with a new model that worked or just resign themselves to the idea that in the event of a life threatening fire I would rather burn to death than go mental with false alarms all day. Somewhere deep in the bowels of city hall is a bylaw stating my suite must have a working smoke detector on the wall. And that’s where it ends. Whether the damned thing works properly was apparently never addressed. The fact that they could be batch purchased on sale, reduced to move for a quarter at the local dollar store was also a neglected consideration, just as long as one of them resides on a wall or ceiling in every suite in the city.
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